In this powerful episode of I Love Being Sober, we dive into the reality of mental health, pressure, and personal transformation in today’s fast-paced, social media-driven world – and how one mental reset can help deal with it all.
Recorded live at Camelback Recovery, this conversation explores what happens when success on the outside doesn’t match how you feel on the inside. We talk about the breaking point that forces change, the courage it takes to step away and focus on mental health, and what it really looks like to rebuild your life from the ground up.
You’ll hear insights on managing stress, navigating identity in the age of social media, and redefining what “mental strength” actually means. This episode also breaks down common misconceptions about treatment and highlights practical tools that can be used every day to create balance, clarity, and long-term growth.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, stuck, or like you’re constantly pushing through without slowing down—this conversation is for you.
What You’ll Learn:
- The hidden mental health challenges behind success and social media
- How to recognize when it’s time to step back and reset
- Tools for managing stress, pressure, and daily life
- The truth about treatment and personal growth
- How to build a more balanced, intentional life
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Listen to the podcast here
How A Mental Reset Can Lead To Inner Peace
A Raw Conversation On Mental Health, Pressure, Identity, And What It Really Takes To Reset Your Life
We’ve got a really powerful episode here at Camelback Recovery with an audience in the room, as always. My guest is Ryan O’Connor. He’s an Entrepreneur, Content Creator, and the voice behind Night Cart Confessions. Ryan’s based right here in Scottsdale, and what I respect most about him is his willingness to step back, take a hard look at his mental health, and do the work.
He’s someone who’s built a following, lived the fast-paced lifestyle that comes with social media and entrepreneurship, but also had the courage to pause, reset, and come back with a completely different perspective on life, balance, and success. In this episode, we’re going to talk about mental health, identity, pressure, social media, and what it really looks like to rebuild your life from the inside out. Ryan, welcome to the show.
Thanks. Appreciate it.
The Turning Point
Yeah, this is exciting. What was going on in your life that made you realize that something needed to change? Actually, do we want to back up and say and talk about how we met or how you ended up here?
I used to work in the porn industry. I was an agent for 8 years, managing 75 porn stars across the nation. It was cool, it was fun, won a lot of awards, had an amazing podcast. That all comes with a cost. It was a very toxic industry. You would think that people have their shit together that are financially very well off, but really, there’s just a lot of drama and there was a lot of toxicity. It was on my last six months before I officially left that I caught myself writing suicide notes. I’ll always remember this. I was leaving a concert, it was Steve Aoki. I met him. We were in Miami. It was coolest shit. It was awesome meeting someone like that.
I’m driving home by myself and I’m like, “You know what? That wall looks really cool to crash into.” Like, you can I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation where you’re partying with a lot of people and then you’re going home by yourself and you’re just like, “This sucks.” I always constantly needed to be around people to not want to hurt myself. I caught myself a lot being by myself because I didn’t really have friends. People weren’t really your friends in that industry. People just used you because you made them money, and then spiraled.
I heard a quote, someone from Washington, DC. They said, “In DC, if you want a friend, get a dog.”
Yeah, I mean, they don’t talk crap about you. I can’t really remember every detail of exactly of specific nights, but I do recall sitting in my car looking up rehabs to go to or places to go to. I need someone to fucking break me and shatter me into a billion pieces, chuck me across the road, and let’s rebuild myself. I googled places to go in Arizona and you guys popped up. Drove 32 hours from Florida to here. Crashed one night with my parents and then I woke up next day and I checked myself in. I post about you guys all the time.
How long ago was that?
I believe I checked in on August 15th of 2024.
It sounds like there was a specific build-up or there was a specific moment, I think as you just told the story, the specific moment when you realized, “I need to do something about this.”
I’ve always suffered with depression. Depression’s always been from childhood. I made a post. From childhood to 32 years old was always battling with depression. Kill myself, take life, I’m not good enough, this and that. I was always afraid of a therapist for some reason. I was always afraid of them telling me I’m way more fucked up than I than I was or put me on a bunch of medication that I didn’t want to be get put on. I don’t know. Coming here just changed that.
What did your life look like on the outside versus how you felt on the inside?
You couldn’t tell. Everyone saw me as happy-go-lucky. Ryan’s fine, Ryan’s happy, nothing bothers Ryan. He’s good. Even my parents. I’m super close with my dad. He’s like my best friend. He actually worked for me at the time. Could not tell. I kept a very good poker face.
Experience At Camelback
What was your biggest mental shift while you were here in treatment?
Probably for the first time allowing somebody to help me, to hear me out. I never wanted to really tell anyone my story. I didn’t want people to feel bad for me. No one ever wants to feel like that person. I just I didn’t want anyone to feel bad for everything I’ve been through in my life. There’s a lot more people here than the group that I had but you sit in a room full of 7, 8 people that have been through all walk of life, whether that’s mental health or a heroin addiction, suicide, eating disorder, whatever it is.
Shockingly, all their stories can help you. I didn’t understand the beginning. I was like, “If I sit with these people that are not going through what I’m going through, how am I going to get through that?” Shockingly, the person who had a heroin problem really helped me out. It was just the way that stuff that he’s been through that, I don’t know, just clicked with me.
I know a lot of times people don’t look for the similarities, they look for the differences. For example, someone goes to a 12-step room or treatment for that matter it’s like, “I’m not them, I don’t have that problem, I’m not the same.” did you ever struggle with that? It sounds like you pretty quickly, and I don’t know if it was pretty quickly, but that’s what I’m hearing, you realized, “I got to look at the similarities. What is he saying that I can resonate with?”
Correct. When I first came in here, I was like, “This is wasting my time,” because nobody in my class was dealing with what I was dealing with of the mental health, “I want to kill myself,” type of mentality. Nobody in the room was like that. Everyone was dealing with some substance. If that answers it. It eventually got to the point where I just clicked with everyone. I think it was because after maybe 2 or 3 weeks, we all just opened up, and then everyone was there to help each other.
I know when I first got sober, the walls were up and that’s what I’m hearing from you too. It’s the walls are up, I’m trying to protect myself, I don’t want people to know the real me, whether it’s subconscious or conscious. It took me a minute before I was able to get vulnerable, which vulnerability is intimacy. The intimacy is really how you get to those deeper layers of the onion.
I don’t think I was ever vulnerable a day in my life until I came here. I’m okay saying this now because with what I do now, I embarrass myself all the time. I don’t even think I knew what vulnerable meant before I came in here. That’s crazy.
Mental Reset: I do not think I was ever vulnerable a day in my life until I came here.
It’s the same thing as intimacy. I used to think intimacy was sex. Sex is a type of intimacy, but vulnerability, intimacy, I equated intimacy to sex and there’s way more to it. The first time I was ever intimate with another man, meaning vulnerable, was with my sponsor. That was where I learned vulnerability was being in recovery. What a gift.
I got to say it took me a minute to open up. Somebody in my class, I looked right at her and I said, “I can’t talk about it,” because I wanted to be respectful of where everyone has come from, even though I didn’t know where anyone’s come from. I didn’t know if my story would affect somebody. I didn’t want to make anyone cry.
It was just my thing. I didn’t want to make anyone cry. This girl that was in my class, she was like, “Why don’t you write down everything?” she said it, not the not the behavioral person. She said it and she’s like, “Why don’t you just write it down what you want to say and we’ll listen to you whenever.” I went home, wrote down everything, came back the next morning, spoke about it, and everyone’s fucking crying. I was like, “This is what I didn’t want to happen.” everyone was like, “We’re here for you. We don’t know you, but we’re here for you. We’re all here for each other.” that was huge for me.
What is the most important thing that you took away from treatment?
My mental health first. I could be drowning. If you take myself before I came here, I could be drowning, I could be suffocating in my own thoughts and this guy could be like, “I need to talk to you.” I’d be like, “Yeah, sure, what’s up?” Fuck all my feelings, what’s up? He tells me some bomb of a story that fucks me up even more.
Now, if he were to come to me and I can’t deal with it, I’d be like, “Bro, go talk to somebody else.” I never knew I could do that. I put myself first now. I have a show that I have to do on social media. If I’m not having a good day, if I wake up that morning and I’m just pissed off about something, I can’t go on the internet. I can’t look at the comments, I can’t look at the reviews. My phone stays over there because I’m not in the good headspace.
One of the Four Agreements, not taking things personally, but if you’re not at a place where you can not take things personally, then it’s probably best not to look at your phone.
I don’t know if you guys still spin the wheel. Is it the wheel or like the mood the mood swing? Do we still spin the wheel? Yeah, like how are you feeling in the morning? “I’m feeling good,” then you have to explain why you’re feeling good. Are you guys do in that or no?
We take out several emotions.
I think that maybe that’s it, but that’s something that I loved. That’s still something I stick with now. Every morning I wake up. “Ryan, how you feeling?” “Good.” I say it out loud. I’ll say it when I’m brushing my teeth, but it’s something that has stuck with me since here and I even push it onto my friends. Brushing my teeth, “Ryan, how you feeling? How are you feeling today?” “I’m feeling great.”
“I’m feeling shitty.” “Why are you feeling shitty?” I have to explain why I’m feeling shitty or why I’m feeling great. Midday 5:00, maybe 8:00 at night “Ryan, how are you feeling?” “I’m feeling a lot better.” “Why are you feeling a lot better?” “The morning thing just slept bad. I’m fine now.” that’s something that I just love doing. It’s pretty cool.
“This too shall pass.” Regardless how you’re feeling. You’re feeling angry, pain, happiness, joy, sadness this too shall pass. The beautiful thing about recovery is we get to experience all of the emotions, not just the good ones. Do you have any suggestions for anyone here about how to get to a place where you can be vulnerable? Does anybody here struggle with not being able to be vulnerable? Does anybody have the walls up?
Can I ask why?
My name’s Yanira, by the way. Personally, I grew up in a household where all of our conversations were surface level. We never spoke about our feelings, we never talked about anything deep, really. That’s where my issues of with vulnerability come from.
How long have you been here?
Since January 15th.
Do you feel like connected to anyone that you can be vulnerable with?
Yeah, she’s not here, but yes, one of the girls here that I really connected with.
Is it hard to do it in a group?
Yes, definitely. I’m still working on that.
None of these people will judge you. At all. I learned that. I would never tell anyone. I just realized you’re here. My god, woo. My therapist. Now I’m freaking out. No one in here judges anything, where you come from, what you’re doing here. We’re all in this together, 100%.
No one will judge you in a recovery center. You are all working together to get better. Share on XFor sure, work in progress.
I don’t know, I think you’ll get there. I think it takes time.
One of the things that I’ve realized, and I still learn this over and over again, is I think that everybody is thinking about me and I realize nobody cares about me. I care about me, I think everybody’s looking at me, but really nobody to your point nobody’s judging me. Everybody’s thinking about themselves. What do you think people get completely wrong about going to treatment for mental health?
When I’ve told people I’ve gone and gotten help, they think I went to some psych ward. I’m like, “No, it’s not like that.” I’ve explained to them what this is. I’ve explained what Camelback Recovery is many times on my platform and people love it, but I don’t know, I think a lot of people are afraid to go because they don’t want to talk. Again, as a dude, as a guy, it’s like, it’s not how we were raised to do it. I think when you come across people that have been to it that it’s worked for them, then it’s on us to advocate to try to help everyone else to get them to come here.
I think it takes courage. It takes courage to have hard conversations, it takes courage to talk about things, takes courage to do things that you wouldn’t normally do. I think you’re right. When people hear mental health treatment, they might think psych ward and it’s even it’s like, “I don’t think I need AA. I’m not that bad.” you don’t go to treatment for alcoholism, drug addiction, or mental health because it’s “that bad.” It’s like, if you’re struggling, go get some help, go talk about it. It’s like, “What can I do differently? Can my life be better?”
I’ve always enjoyed talking to strangers when it comes to a problem that I have. I never wanted to talk to a friend because it was a biased situation. I’d rather walk in a grocery store, find some dude, be like, “Can I ask you about my fucked up day? Give me your opinion.” it’s why I like it in here. There’s no bias in here.
Is there a time when you were here when it hit you, “I’m in the right place,” or “This is real. This is really happening, this is helping me”?
Definitely.
Can you remember that time?
Me and Jackie had a had a moment of I think it hit me. I don’t know if she remembers it, but there was a time where I was like, “It’s working.” It was. I don’t remember the exact specific part, but it was either the time where the one random woman in my group got me to break down. I’ve never been vulnerable.
Had you ever cried before you before you got here?
Yeah. No one knew that, though.
You mean you would cry on your own.
I was a big crier but I’ve never cried in a in front of people. That was crazy.
Tools & Transformation
Are there 2 or 3 tools you learned that you still use now?
From here?
Yes.
My main thing was my wheel of the mood. Wheel of emotions. That’s honestly that’s the biggest tool that I use.
How do you manage stress and pressure now compared to before?
Manage stress and pressure well by talking about it. Share on XTalking about it. Never talked about it. Me and my buddy Colton, he’s like my best bud in the whole world. Actually, before I came here not back then, we sat on his couch and I told him that I was coming here and I was bawling my eyes out. I could cry in front of him, no problem. Told him I was coming here and he was saying that this would be the greatest thing that could happen to me.
Since coming, since doing all this, whenever I have bad days, I call him and we talk about it. Sometimes we have a men’s group at his house, we just invite all the dudes that we can think of. We post on social media. Strangers can come and we just help each other. That to me is really cool because back then, I wouldn’t care about your feelings. I wouldn’t care about you. If I wasn’t managing you, you meant nothing to me. Now when I’m in a clear headspace, I’d like to ask people how they’re doing. Make sure they’re all right. If I can’t help them, I tell people to come here.
I have a men’s group or a cycling group. We cycle with on a regular basis. We have Taco Tuesday once a month. When you think of Taco Tuesday, you think we’re going to go get some tacos and hang out and just BS very surface level. Really, it’s not like that. We have a topic and we dig deep and we support each other. We talk about things that are hard, and we talk about what’s going on in our lives. That’s been so beautiful and I thought I could only get that in the rooms of recovery and 12-step rooms or treatment, but to find a group like that, like you have a group like that, has been such a beautiful gift.
Yeah, it’s really cool. It taught me that you don’t have to all be in here for the same reason. You just don’t. The dudes that I’m with at Colton’s house seriously come from all over. We all just help each other. Somehow, it has made it home. It’s like a reference I like to say. I wanted to do a podcast called Almost Home.
Mental Reset: You do not have to be in a recovery program for the same reason as other people.
It had to do with that those that have really been through it and have successfully made it home, like figured their shit out. Almost Home was just a podcast I want to do that had to do with mental health recovery. I consider that I made it home and I can put my health first and I can try to help others. I just didn’t have the time to do the podcast. Does that make sense?
Yeah. How helpful is helping another person to your mental health?
It makes me very happy just because I know that I’m so much happier now. Compared to what I was 3, 4 years ago, I was fucking miserable. I didn’t care about anything or anyone. It was money, money, and that’s it, and the fast sex life. That’s all I cared about. Now I got a baby girl on the way. That’s another thing. My partner has changed me. She’s made me so rich, and I don’t mean that financially. Just in all aspect. I’m so fucking happy. Yeah, I’m glad to be here.
I can see that. By the way, I want to mention you look great. I can see it in your eyes. Your face looks good, your eyes look good. I can tell that you’re thinking clearly.
I’m sure Jackie remembers. I was wearing hoodies every day when it was fucking so hot out. Everyone in the classroom be like, “Ryan, it’s 100 degrees out, take it off.” I’m like, “No.” I had my hoodie over and then all of a sudden, everyone got me out of my shell and I started wearing just t-shirts. It was my thing.
Social Media & Identity
What does your daily routine look like when you’re taking care of your mental health?
Hanging out with the boys. I don’t know if you wanted a quick answer. If I’m having a bad day, again, like no social media for myself. It’s solely with the people that I care about, the people that have helped me even after I’ve graduated here. If I’m having a bad day, I just I call one of them and we just talk. All my good friends know that I’ve been here. Colton’s my right-hand man when it comes to bro talk.
How important is it to have someone like that that you can open up to?
Very important. When I was in the porn industry, I had a best friend, girl. We lived with each other for seven years, but my ego was up here, I was so stubborn, and I never talked to her like a best friend. I was her best friend, she was my best friend. She would talk to me about all her problems. Everything that she was going deal with and I’d be there for her. When it came to me, Ryan never had any problems, Ryan was good. Ultimately, our friendship broke. She’s one of a really big reason why I came here, to talk about that. It’s just really deep.
Do you want to do you want to share about that?
Not really. It was my wrong doing. That friendship broke me. When I was rebuilding myself, I would tell myself, I would tell Colton, I would tell my really good friends, I’m like, “I need to be a better friend to people.” I was always there for everyone else, but I felt like I couldn’t open up. I didn’t want anyone to judge me for breaking down. Rebuilding myself to where I’m at now, I’m cool. If I need to cry to a friend, I’ll cry to a friend. If I need to open up, I’ll open up. I don’t know if I’m rambling.
Did you did you start Night Cart Confessions before or after you left here?
After.
Did you have another channel prior to that?
No. I think I was golf karting here. Was I filming it?
No. You just started on tiktok.
Tell people what golf karting is.
All right, so if any of you guys have ever been to Old Town Scottsdale, there’s these golf carts that drive around.
With the crazy ladies riding around.
Yeah. I used to do it 15, 20 years ago, and it was fun, and then when I got into porn, I learned how to film, edit, produce, everything for social media. When I was here, I really needed a job, and I drove on the golf cart for like a week and I was like, “Dude, people are crazy out here. These people are chaotic. They’re loose cannons, they’re saying whatever, they’re doing whatever. I need to film this.”
I knew coming from where I come from that this will explode. I know how to film it, I know how to produce, I know how to edit, I know when to post. I just I know everything about social media. I’ll just do it. I created Night Cart Confessions. 30 million views every single month, and 178,000 people that follow it. It makes me happy.
What’s it like being recognized as a public figure out when you’re out and about?
It’s cool. I encourage it. I tell people on social media all the time, I tell people when I’m driving, I’m like, “If you see me, just come up and say hi.” I’m not going to bite, I’m not going to tell you to fuck off. I think it’s because when I worked in porn, I lived that fast-paced red-carpet lifestyle. When you’re an agent, everyone wants to talk to you, everyone wants you to hire them, everyone wants your attention. I’ve lived that. Now doing this more chill, more laid back and encouraging people, “Please come up and say hi.” I like it, my girlfriend fucking loves it. She’s like, “It’s crazy, my boyfriend has fans.” she geeks out about it. My parents love it. My mom’s been recognized once. It’s cool.
Mental Reset: When you are having a bad day, get some distance from social media.
I can only imagine being in that golf cart because I’ve seen some of your videos and some of them are pretty wild. I can only imagine me whether I’m sponsoring somebody or helping somebody out or just even seeing someone, especially that’s new in recovery, it’s always “That could be me, that used to be me,” or “I’m glad that’s not me.”
These people are fucking nuts. It sometimes baffles me because some people are like, “You can’t film me. You need my consent.” I’m like, “You’re in public, dude. What you say, what you do, and how you act in public that’s on you.” It’s crazy.
Do you ever have people that come after you when you film content and you and you post it?
For sure. I educate them on the law. I’ll give you an example. This is the craziest one that’s happened yet. I had four moms from Kansas. I ask the signature question. “What are we doing out here? What are we not allowed to do on this bachelorette party?” these four moms were flashing me their diamond rings. They’re like, “We’re married. We got four kids at home.”
I was like, “Okay.” The one woman goes, “I’m looking for a BBC to slam against my ass when I’m on the dance floor when I get to the club.” In my head, I’m like, “Hell yeah, this is going to go viral.” when I hear shit like that, I start provoking it. I saw a Black guy in the corner, I was like, “Black guy, get over here.” He comes over. He actually knew him, so it just helped out. I’m like, “Bro, this this woman wants you,” etc. Anyway, video goes off, video goes viral. We had like 1.6 million next morning. The ladies, they start texting me. “You can’t post this.” DMing me. “You need to delete this, you don’t have my consent.”
All of a sudden, I get an email from her attorney. It’s like cease and desist, defamation. I didn’t have their consent. I pass it over to my attorney. He’s my best bud, so that was helpful. I was like, “Do you want to have a heyday with this or like what?” He goes, “Well, what’s the problem?” I was like, “Here’s the clip.” Watch the clip. Sixteen minutes of footage, four different rides.
All the consent’s there. They told their attorney that I didn’t ask for their consent, that I was taking bits and pieces of the video and chopping it up to make it look like they said something else. That’s just not the way that it works. If there’s a lot of “ahs” “oohs” “uh” “ands,” you just take it out. You make it shorter. Long story short, their attorney tried using a Kansas law against Arizona.
He was like, “You need you need to ask for consent.” My attorney was like, “Well, your clients are in public. In Arizona, it’s a one-party consent. I think your clients also failed to mention that the first five minutes of the clip they were like, ‘Give us the fucking microphone, we love Black guys.'” That’s it. I could take the video down, and I did, because at the end of the day, I’m not an asshole.
All you had to do was just be like, “Can you kindly take this down?” You don’t need to be telling me to go fuck myself, go kill myself like, “You’re a piece of shit.” at the end of the day, what you say what you do in public, that’s on you. I didn’t ask you to say that. I didn’t tell you to do that. I just asked you, “What are we doing out here?” You fucking said it. Yeah, a little bit of courage.
Be careful what you say. Play the tape forward.
There’s a lot of stuff that doesn’t make it on camera. When people would get on the cart I’d be like, “What’s craziest thing you’ve ever done?” They’ll be like, “I tried to kill myself.” I try to get them to open up to me on camera. They don’t want to, so we talk off camera on the ride. I got to say some of those rides are the best. I actually had one guy and I said this on a podcast.
I had a guy reach out to me, he’s from Minnesota. He made this big extravagant story. He’s like, “I’m coming to Arizona. It’s for a big bachelor party. We’re all going to be there, we all want to be on your channel,” etc. I texted five other golf carts, I said, “Meet me at this house to go pick up this group because we’re all going to ride together to the club.”
Moments before the pickup time, that guy texts me, he goes, “I’m sorry I lied to you. There’s actually no party. I am here. I just really want to talk to you. I’m sorry I lied to you about this whole thing, but I just respect that you went and got help.” As I said, I talk about this place all the time on my platform. This guy that I’ve never met before flies Arizona to meet with me.
He’s telling me that he just lost his parents, he just lost his kid in a car accident, he’s got nothing else to live for. I’m not a therapist, so I tried my best. I tried my best to help him out to get him through whatever he was going through. I was honest with him. I don’t know him. It’s tough on me now. We had a great conversation.
It was great. He left smiling, happy, he was like, “Dude, thank you. I’m so glad I met you.” a couple of weeks later, I got a text from his cousin saying that he took life. He left a whole note behind of why he chose. That’s hard. I just wish I could have helped the guy a little more.
That just is an example of what can happen if someone doesn’t address their mental health.
Yeah. It was pretty intense.
Do you ever feel pressure to be someone you’re not while online?
No. People ask me all the time. They’re like, “The way that you act on camera to how you are in person like, is that a character?” Fuck no. No, that’s just that’s Ryan’s being happy. That’s Ryan in a good mood. You can see there’s some clips where I look pissed off. I look miserable, that’s just I’m having a bad day. It just so happened to be caught on camera. Everything that you see on there is all real. Nothing is scripted, fake.
Deep Reflection
What’s the hardest truth you’ve had to face about yourself?
That I fucked up. I have fucked up. Again, I cost the friendship that I had with somebody and that was my fault. There are times that I struggle with trying to grasp that. When I left the porn industry, nobody talked to me anymore. I had fucked up and I made a mistake and no one wanted to talk to me anymore. Randomly, some people from the industry have been reaching out. “How are you doing? I see that you’re doing really well. Happy for you. I’m really sorry for how things happened.” They say it, I say it. I don’t think I’ll ever get to have that communication that I had with my friend. We can maybe talk about it another day.
Answering Questions From The Audience
I think it’s the path of life. It’s the journey of life and we get to go through things like that so we learn so that you don’t make that same mistake again. I want to open it up to questions. I’ve got more questions I can ask here, but I want to hand it over to you guys. If there’s anything that Ryan has said that resonates with you or it’s made you think about something, I want to open it up to questions.
I never really ask questions on the show. I get too shy. I do relate a lot with what you have talked about, especially with the suicidal ideation that you had. I don’t know if you were vulnerable or you opened up to your parents about what was going on with you. I just want to know if you have any piece of advice of how I can do that to my parents. There’s a lot that I’ve just hidden from them, kept a secret, that they don’t know about of my childhood and up until now recently. If you have any advice.
I was always pretty fairly close with my parents. When I officially broke down before I came here, my parents are old now. They’re pushing 70, 80. That’s old. I don’t know. I just sat down sat them down one day and I said, “I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. You never did anything bad. You didn’t raise me wrong. You didn’t do anything bad. I’ve chosen to do and I’ve chosen the activities that I’ve chosen by myself. That wasn’t because you were a bad parent.” I just was explained to them like that. I just let them know “These are the mistakes I’ve made. This is what I’ve done. This is how I’m fixing it. This is what I’m doing now. I’m doing a whole lot better. I love you.”
I feel like parents some parents feel like they failed their kid when their kid’s fucking up doing drugs or drinking or whatever. The parent will automatically feel like they have to blame themselves. That’s really not the case sometimes. Have you tried to talk to them?
Parents should not blame themselves if their children end up doing the wrong things in life. Share on XNot really. No.
Are you afraid of what they might say?
Yes, definitely.
Do you live with them?
Yeah, I live with my mom. My dad is in Mexico. Yeah, it’s hard. It’s hard to open up to my mom in regards to literally anything.
What do you think’s the worst thing that’s going to happen?
With some of my childhood trauma, that she won’t believe that it happened to me. Also, I come from a Mexican household, and they say they don’t believe in mental health. At least, my family doesn’t. They’re like, “You just get up and do it you have no reason to be sad. You’re fine.”
I hear you on I mean, my girl, she’s Mexican, and anytime we there’s a situation, she’s like, “I’m tough, I’m Mexican.” You know? “I ain’t scared, I’m Mexican.” I don’t know. Are you going to get kicked out if you have these conversations?
I don’t think so.
From what I’ve gathered from dating a Mexican girl, family’s pretty much all about family. You guys are very tight. If you’re not going to get kicked out, she’s not going to boot you to the curb. That would be my biggest fear. Talking to my parents and be like, “Shit, if I tell my mom and dad this, are they going to kick me out?” No. I don’t know, maybe she is nervous to talk to you about stuff because she doesn’t want to seem like a weak person. I don’t know, maybe you need to make that initiative because I’ll say this.
When I was eighteen, I worked at a club in Scottsdale and I got sexually touched and weirdly whatever by my manager. That dude got fired, but I never told my dad because didn’t think he’d believe me and my dad would probably fucking kill him. When I was here, I told my dad, I was like, “This is what happened when I was eighteen.” I sat down with him and he goes and tells me a story about when he was a kid, pastors would do that to his friends. Long story short is it took me to talk to him to get him to open up because he stubborn and he’s big bad wolf. Just try it. If you got nothing to lose, just try it. I don’t know if that helps.
Yeah, it does. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Of course. For sure.
Yeah, how’s it going? Thanks for coming. Do you still struggle with negative self-talk? If you do, how do you combat that? How do you what are your strategies to get over that?
For sure. They’re not as intense. I think you’re always going to have those thoughts. Always. You can’t be fucking happy all the time. That’s perfect, and perfect doesn’t exist. I actually just had it, like I think two nights ago. I was just had the best day ever and saw something on social media that just took me back. I immediately texted a friend and I was like, “I’m having a really great day, but this one thing just sparked a bad thought, and could we just talk about it?” again, I think it just as long as you have someone.
Sitting alone in your own room with nobody to talk to, I think that just fucks you up even more. Whether it’s this place, whether it’s somebody here that you can talk to, or whether it’s a friend outside, dude, I think that’s important because bottling it up, you’re going to self-implode one day. That’s ultimately what happened to me. I self-imploded. I was there for everybody else, but I didn’t think anyone was there for me and then I just fucking exploded.
I remember I went to go see a therapist, and I was probably 5, 6 years sober at the time and I just had this really nasty feeling inside. That was the first time I realized that I was experiencing depression. Depression. Depressed down. When I’ve got things inside that I’m not talking about, that I’m not getting vulnerable with somebody else about, it’s depression. I really do get depressed, because I didn’t think I ever got depressed. She pointed out that I did get depressed, depressed down, and that was a really good analogy for me.
I just think it’s important just to talk about it. Do you have moments like that? All the time?
Yeah, I do. It helps talking about it.
I write a lot of music. There’s actually an app that I came across. It’s called Suno. If you guys do writing music, it puts your lyrics to music and then it turns into a song. Pretty fucking cool. I think it’s the most therapeutic shit I’ve ever fucking done in my life. I actually have a buddy who got some shit going on, and I introduced him to the app and he’s like, “Dude, this is most therapeutic thing ever.” Pay $8 a month and you get to make 500 songs a month and it’s so cool.
Write music with AI.
Growing up, a lot of people are “Writing poetry is gay.” I was like, “Well, whatever, dude. I know I’m not gay, but whatever.” I really I enjoy this app. I’m not sponsored by it or anything but I think I do eight poems a month. Just to let it out. You get to hear it. If you’re ever in that moment again, you get to just play it. Be like, “You know, dude, I fucking made it through that. I’m here. I’m good.”
What’s that app?
Suno. It’s pretty cool.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
For sure.
Thanks for coming to see us. Probably a few questions that resonated, or a few questions based on what you stated about your experience. Did you experience any childhood traumas? For me, I was exposed to pornography at a very early age so to hear someone that’s going to go into the porn industry, just out of the clear blue is what it sounded like, “Here I go.”
What prompts someone to just all of a sudden go into that industry? Also, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but is substance abuse part of your story at all? When you said you needed someone to break you when you came here, or you came to treatment, what does that mean? What did that look like for you?
I’ll just say with I’ll start from last to forward. Break. I just I was so damaged. In porn, you come across a lot of walks of life. People are into a lot of kinks and fetishes and fucked up twisted fantasies that, for some reason, in that industry is normal. You having a fantasy about your cousin, for some reason, in that industry, you can’t judge that person.
It’s fucking Halloween every day. You see Spiderman humping the sun. “Hey dude, it’s Halloween, dude. It’s fine,” right? The day after Halloween, you see Spiderman humping the pole. “That guy’s fucking weird.” You can’t do that. I don’t know if that analogy makes sense, but that’s the way I look at it. That’s how I look at porn and Halloween.
There’s just a lot of fucked up shit happening in that industry that’s not normal. All my friends were porn. I didn’t ever have a civilian friend anyone that was outside of the industry. I wasn’t able to talk to anyone and be like, “I’m having a fucked up day because of this and that.” I ultimately broke, couldn’t handle it anymore. Drugs and alcohol have never been a thing. I’m a two-shot guy and I’m fucking wasted. Tequila, gone. The beginning of that was what was it?
Take childhood trauma or something that, like from myself, one of the things is being exposed to pornography at an early age. As soon as I heard you say that you were part of the porn industry, I’m like, “I feel like I can relate on a lot of degrees.”
I’ve always just considered myself a black sheep outcast. I fucking hated high school. I got bullied all the time, just because I was an easy target. When the thing happened at the nightclub of a dude touching me, my whole mindset is tweaked now, never saw a therapist. From high school all the way up into porn, never had any type of therapy.
I’m getting slightly damaged when I’m a kid to high school getting bullied and tormented and then the dude touching me. Still not talking about it and then you get into a fucked up industry where everything is more fucked up. You self-implode. Now I’m here.
Have you worked through shame and guilt? How have you dealt with shame and or guilt, if you’ve dealt with those types of feelings and emotions?
Is there shit that I’m ashamed of? For sure.
Is that part of the breaking period? Breaking down, getting it all out?
Yeah, for sure. I don’t think I’ve ever had this conversation live. That’s pretty intense. Do I say it, do I not? No. Of course. When I came here, I told Jackie, I said, “I want you to break me. I want you to crumble me up and just fucking chuck me across the room. I want you to help me find myself. I need to apologize to people, I need to learn how to grieve, I need to learn how to forgive certain people, I need to learn how to forgive myself.” there’s a lot of fuck-ups that I’ve done.
I’ve never talked about anything before when I came here. It’s intense. I would like to think that the people in this room and the people that are at Camelback, they genuinely fucking care. Or else they wouldn’t be doing it. It took me a while for me to understand if the people here actually cared. There was a moment where, I’ll be honest, I fucking snapped one day and I was like, “You guys don’t care about me.” I got bum-rushed in the in the front entrance, and they were like, “We all care about you.” That’s when I just broke down and really enjoyed this place. I don’t know if you heard about that, sorry.
Just remember, if you have a question, I can promise you that somebody else has that question too. I’ve seen many times where after, at the end of the episode, somebody will come up and say, “I have a question.” it’s like, “Ask it in front of the audience, because that’s how you’re going to help other people.”
I don’t just so much as have a question. Your story has been very inspiring to me how you talk about how you’re so much happier now. It gives me hope.
Heck yeah. I saw you got a hoodie on in here and I was like, “Yeah, that that was me.” That was me, it’s fucking 110 degrees out.
It’s also always cold in this room specifically.”
We don’t want you falling asleep.
I just want to thank you. How happy are you now? If you have to just talk about it.
I grew up out here. I moved here when in 2000. I grew up out here and then I moved to Florida, I moved back, moved to Florida, and now I’m back. I was out here for 24 years. My whole childhood is out here. Childhood, college, whatever and I fucking hated Arizona because of all the trauma, all the bullshit, a just everything I’ve been through. I was like, “I fucking hate Arizona.” I moved to Florida. I was in the porn. When I broke, I moved back out here, came here. This place fixed me. I fixed myself.
I start my channel, and then I get the fuck out of here. I was like, “No more Arizona.” I get a phone call that I got to girl on the way. I’m like, “What am I doing? What do I got to do?” I pack up all my shit. He shoots me a DM, he goes, “Do you want to come on this show?” I was like, “Fuck yeah, dude. I’m moving back out there.” Come out here.
I think it’s ultimately having a girl on the way, knowing that the happiness that I have now is that I created it. I had no happiness when I was here. I was damaged, I was wrecked. No one can save me. I ultimately saved myself because I pushed myself to be here every day, seven hours a day. I allowed these people to help me out, I allowed the people that work here to help me out.
The happiness that I have now is because I created that. You got to create your own happiness. I don’t know why you’re here but I’m rooting for you. I’m rooting, honestly, for all of you. I say that with a fucking little tear in my eye right now. Seriously rooting for all of you because I get it, shit sucks.
It does, but it’s that lame-ass saying, “It gets better.” It does. Anytime people like you are like, “Your story moves me. You’re that fucking guy on Instagram,” I just drive a golf cart. I just try to make people laugh. Ultimately, I try to surround myself with people. Even though I work out there, I fucking hate it out there. You won’t ever catch me drinking. I don’t drink alcohol. I’m out here rambling.
Thank you.
In my generation, we’re seeing an uptick in addiction to both social media and porn. I have a friend who’s dating someone who’s addicted to porn. It’s breaking her, and I’m sure you’ve seen it on the golf cart. Do you have any advice for someone who’s going through something like that?
I’ve never been asked that question. Yeah, I don’t know. I like watching porn. I don’t know how to answer that. I’m sorry. Do you know? Do you have can you answer that?
Life Now & What’s Next
No. I’m not going to answer that. For someone that needs help if they’re struggling, then it’s like there’s something outside of me. It’s like talk about attachments. If something outside of me is making me unhappy, then I need to look at myself. That would be the only thing that I would say. Last question. What does a healthy balanced life look like for you now?
Give me an example.
For me, for example, I have my morning routine. I get up, I make my bed, I pray, I meditate, I do breathwork, I do a gratitude list. I share my gratitude list with a few other people, I exercise on a daily basis. I brush my teeth. Those are the things that I have to do to feel good. If I miss any of those things, there’s a little bit of emptiness. I’ve got my routines and I’ve got the things that I do, and that’s what eating good food, getting enough sleep, exercising, gratitude, fulfilling my responsibilities. I’m a little OCD, I like my house to be clean. Those are all the things that I need to live a balanced life. It’s not working, because I have a tendency to work a lot as well., which I’m sure that you do also.
Shit, dude, you got me beat, man, I that you just list off twenty things. Honestly, like I said, my thing when I wake up in the morning is I ask myself how I’m feeling. That’s my morning right there. I do a lot of editing. My whole life is my channel now. Caught myself building a crib yesterday. That was fucking nuts. I don’t know.
When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself how you are feeling. That will set your entire day. Share on XI have a simple life. I’m not freaking out about having to hold my phone all the time, because that’s what I used to do for work, having a million people trying to call me all the time. That’s what stresses me out. I got my five people that I really care about and we talk to each other on set days and we catch up. I don’t know, I’m pretty basic. I’m simple. I don’t really go to the mall, I don’t go shopping, I do everything online. I’m simple.
You like it that way. What I’m hearing is living a healthy balanced life is staying grounded and the things that keep you grounded. You just have a couple of things.
I posted a video of the gender reveal. It was a big video. Everyone’s like, “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend.” I’m like, “I don’t put her in the spotlight. She didn’t ask for that. That’s for me to enjoy. My whole life, my whole work life is all on social media. The one thing I want to enjoy is not allowed to be on social media.” I don’t put her on mine. It’s for me to enjoy. I get to enjoy that.
I will say, when I first got into recovery, my there were a couple of things that were very basic that I did. I made my bed, I did the Serenity Prayer, I did a gratitude list, I called 3 people per day, 3 friends per day and I went to a meeting every day. Those are some of the basic things. I guess you could say I’m a checklist person.
I got my things that I got to do and I do my gratitude list, for example. I’ve realized that I have to be grateful for everything even if I think it’s bad because this happens for me, not to me. Something that seems bad right now in this moment, there’s always something good on the other side. I don’t know what good is going to come from it, but something good is going to come from it.
Whether it’s a lesson that I learn or whatever on the other side. My girlfriend makes fun of me and she says it’s forced gratitude. She’s like, “Are you going to force me to do gratitude list?” It’s like there’s always something to be grateful for because if I’m grateful, then I’m not a victim. If I’m grateful, then I’m not sad. If I’m grateful, then I’m not feeling sorry for myself. There’s always something to be grateful for.
I’m not a big on religious person but a buddy of mine had said to me when I first found out that my little girl’s on the way, “Bro, that’s God. That was God putting you through all this shit to see if you could make it through to handle being a father.” I was like, “Well, that was a lot of shit.” it almost fucking broke me, that almost killed me.
Mental Reset: God is putting you through difficult challenges to see if you can make it through.
He’s like, “Exactly. God put you through all that to be right here in this moment.” Again, that just really stuck with me. I’m so excited to be a dad. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing, but I don’t think anyone does. In that moment, I don’t think anyone does. I’m super excited.
I’m excited for you.
Thank you. Seriously I look back, even when I was driving over here, I was like, “Dude, making that drive every morning, you were fucking miserable. You didn’t want to come here. Fuck this place, fuck everyone.” Now here you are, happy. You’re so fucking happy. I’m rooting for all of you. I think it’s awesome that you’re here, because some people can’t even walk through that door.
Some people will walk through that door. I think there was people in my group, there was one dude he showed up. I won’t say his name. He showed up, he’s like, “Dude, I’m so excited to be here.” We had one tough class, it was a subject that he didn’t want to fucking talk about and we never saw him again. It’s like, “Dude, we all have bad days.”
Yeah, that’s why we’re here. I have a friend named Ward. He used to say, “It doesn’t matter how you feel, it matters what you do.” to your point, can anybody relate that they don’t want to be here, or there have been days when you didn’t want to be here? When you didn’t want to show up and you showed up anyways. Is there a question that I should have asked you that I didn’t ask?
No, I don’t think so.
Discussion Wrap-up And Closing Words
Where can people find you, follow you, connect with you, learn more about you?
It’s @NightCartConfessions on Instagram. My DMs are open, so if you ever do want to have a conversation about whatever, I’m all for trying to help people out. I have a men’s mental health highlight, I believe, on my page. I talk about you, guys.
We appreciate that. For sure. All right, well, I think that’s all we got. Let’s give it up for Ryan O’Connor.
Thanks, guys.
Important Links
About Ryan O’Connor
Ryan O’Connor is an entrepreneur and content creator best known as the founder of Nightcart Confessions, a Scottsdale-based social media brand capturing the wild, unfiltered moments of Old Town nightlife.
Through his Instagram and YouTube channels, Ryan has built a growing audience by turning real, unscripted interactions into engaging comedy and entertainment content—earning Nightcart Confessions the reputation as “Old Town Scottsdale’s Reality Show.”
Behind the viral moments and nightlife energy, Ryan has also gone through his own journey of stepping back to focus on mental health, personal growth, and finding balance. His experience brings a deeper perspective on pressure, identity, and what it takes to reset and rebuild from the inside out.
Today, he continues to expand Nightcart Confessions while navigating entrepreneurship, social media, and life with a more grounded and intentional approach.
